searching

for about 32 weeks, I was consumed with an alienating process

it was experienced, almost fully, through screens

and the most common outcome was inconclusive

connecting with others is almost the only path out,

but not all interactions can be trusted

initial success means further scrutiny,

and more time, effort, and opaque evaluation

the search culminated in the most difficult challenge

I'd imagined one cathartic moment after succeeding,

which wasn't quite the reality

I gathered data during the search, anticipating a final visualization

I knew, looking back, I'd see unnecessary effort and stress

seeing how many paths I could have not pursued, and seeing the arbitrariness of the successful one

looking back, my initial consistent efforts waned over time

and weeks when I had interviews, it was hard to keep applying

but you can't know when luck and effort will finally converge